moving on

i have a new blog. i might still from time to time write here- but probably not. if you know me or i know you- or i deem you worthy- or you are internet/blog savy then feel free to ask for it- find it (its not hard people) or email me or message me here and i'll tell it to you- it will have lots of the same ol same ol and more of things like the 30 days of truth. and it's going to be in an anonymous format. no more stella and henry and merin- but if you know me you'll get it.

anyway.

to those i love- who read this- cheers!

Where I am from...

"you have to know where you are from to know where you are going" this quote especially resonated with me as i was reading the brief history about the origination of the poem- 'where i am from', looking over the template of how to make my own.

where i am from is so foreign to me now- the last six months have unfolded into my estrangement from the majority of my childhood family. i have been deeply saddened by this- but that quote- to know where i am from to know where i am going.... it reminded me of how i got where i am. it reminded me why i left, why i changed, my own part or path taken that led to the estrangement to begin with. i no longer am a part of that world- in fact i am quite apart from it. pardon the pun.

a wise, wise woman once said to me, "you can get off the merri-go-round any time you like, you just have to be strong enough to realize that the others will more than likely not get off with you- and you will be the one on the outside because your choice was different. that takes a lot of strength." i will never ever forget that conversation. i got off the merri-go-round. no one else has. and for that i am... possibly more alone, but in a much better place.

I am from small cape cods uniformly lined up in a row, from 7/11 for newports, marlboros, and a slurpy and small town familiarity.

I am from the one bathroom, two bedroom, eat in kitchen where the table is the living beating heart and cutting block of family meals from scratch or scratched knees stinging with bactene in that yellow vinyl polka dot chair

I am from the ivy vines, the rose of sharon, and dogwood branches, the funeral floral arrangements, the catholic church flowers smelling so strong and sweet mixed in with ritual incense.

I am from parades in the square and deep irish pride, from David and Myles' and O'Briens.

I am from the discussion of a subject, chewing on it and rehashing it until the subject itself doesn't even exist anymore- the sensationalized story is what prevails and quick tempers, yelling and fights, long grudges, uncomfortable meetings .

From go find some one to play with, some neighbor must be home and get out of this town, make something more of yourself or stay here and do it all again with your own kids, married to that boy from middle school next to all the same people with their children.

I am from irish catholic tradition, priests and nuns knowing my name and that of all my family- catechism classes and prayer. daily, weekly, hourly prayer, lists of those who were worse off, needed charity, needed healing, my own stolen moments selfish prayers. From carnivals and holy water, genuflections, and reconciliation and god teaching me a lesson for that behavior.

I'm from princeton hospital and new jersey, italy and ireland, lasagna and mashed potatoes.

From the world war II letters to a brother shared with a shipmate from a woman that shipmate would deeply love, the broken heart of a young twenty one year old mother, and the paintings across the picture window in the living room for holidays and happy times.

I am from the freezer door, boxes in the crawl space behind my bedroom walls, newspaper clippings and black and white photographs of a boy whose youth was taken by war to return a man with drive and ambition and hard working mechanic skills and my heart filled with pride of these people who came before me- to put food on my table and clothes on my back with the sweat and broken brow their bodies broken and aging to fast. Hard taught values, beaten into a bare bottom of morality and self sacrifice. Tradition and hand sewn ornaments, pictures framed passed down from great great grandmother, an evening prayer before sleep.

i'm still here

man- i shut down in january- life has been up and down and all around. and recently there was a very bad crappy part.

anyway i stopped blogging because of folks knowing where i was and what was going on. i got defensive and protective and well, i'm coming back.

so hey there folks- if you still check in on me- i'm still here. and i will be writing about it again!

stella's view

when you let your four year old play with your iphone while you are driving the family home sometimes you get a pleasant surprise!

RSV

i haven't been blogging... i have been doing laundry and bathing kids and bleaching toys and airing out the house and not sleeping every chance i get.

merin has rsv.

henry, meag, and i all caught the pukey poopey side of it. and i'm so terribly sorry there is just no other way to describe that at this point. my brain is mush.

merin is still sick. he was in the er last saturday. he was in the ped office this friday and he is currently in bed. sleeping. not hacking and coughing. thank the good lord.

his nose is stuffy- his chest is congesty- and the only time i have seen him happy is splashing me in his lavender bath this afternoon... the only time since last friday NINE days ago.

and so he is cranky- i am cranky- and walt is cranky. and we are tending to make those who cross our paths cranky.

and i missed blogging about our wonderful 5th wedding anniversary. and about merin turning 10 months old. and about the good, the fun, the funny... the life that we had been living before the sick set in.

so i thought i would add a picture of a squealing albeit very sick merin in our bedroom under quarantine on the day that he and henry both puked non stop. this was his ten month birthday.

space

ah yes i have spaced on blogging.

but i wanted to share that i have been crocheting and knitting and crafting and hanging with my kids- who have been sick of some sort or another as of late.

and i'm focusing on the negative space in my life- i love negative space. the space that is not filled in. the shapes it takes- the art, the gift found in between.

notice your negative space. i'd bet its amazing!

my cup is full

this evening as i sat down to check my email my cup filled and runneth over.

i had a good day- i spent the day with mamas that i love, and their children that i love, and when i was overwhelmed my good good friends held me up. god i have missed that.

my grandmother was in a fabulous mood- it was nice to have a cheerful conversation with her.

a baby was born- ushering two long time friends of ours into parenthood. and adding another couple of our pre-kids friends into our friends with kids genre. love it! and mama and baby look happy and healthy (via text picture)

and i got an email about a monthly girls night of knitting and crafting with women who i miss dearly. the first two months, the only two that have hosts announced, are already on my calendar. yay me time!

as the year ends- and the grey sky of winter persists. i am taking me back. i am listening to my inner voice. i am filling my cup. and i am re-populating my village that i felt i had lost.

today is good.